


The first day I met you, I knew you were someone special

by GOODBOYS



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon, Changkyun is Sad, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Im Changkyun | I.M-centric, Kihyun - Freeform, M/M, Multiple chapters, Polyamorous Characters, Polyamory, Repressed Feelings, changkyun - Freeform, everyone needs love, hyungs fall in love with changkyun, hyungs fall in love with maknae, hyungwon - Freeform, im changkyun/everyone, jooheon - Freeform, minhyuk - Freeform, monsta x - Freeform, monsta x love changkyun a bit too much, monsta x ot7 - Freeform, monsta x poly, polyamorous, post no mercy, real events, relationships, shownu - Freeform, why did i make this so dramatically sad, wonho - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:42:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22726351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GOODBOYS/pseuds/GOODBOYS
Summary: changkyun is angry with the universe that it never told him falling in love with multiple people would mean he had to fall a long, long way down.and now he can’t stop himself from falling.(or, changkyun reaches his hand out for his hyungs to accept him but they end up falling in love with him instead.)
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Im Changkyun | I.M, Im Changkyun | I.M/Everyone, Im Changkyun | I.M/Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Im Changkyun | I.M/Lee Jooheon, Im Changkyun | I.M/Lee Minhyuk, Im Changkyun | I.M/Son Hyunwoo | Shownu, Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 15
Kudos: 166





	1. Chapter 1

When Changkyun was young he fell in love with falling in love. He’s always been romantic by nature like it was a second appendage attached at his hip. He lives for the moment when his stomach drops and his pulse races in excitement as he realises with absolute certainty he’s going to be kissed for the first time. Everything is warm and he craves to feel that passion that makes him weightless, something that only the intimate few can feel, that one-of-a-kind frequency that only certain people can hear as it pulls them together.

He also lives for the chaos, the uncertainty, the fear - and the way to overcome it. As cliche as it sounds, Changkyun loves love. Loves to love. Despite his reserved image Changkyun grew up with a massive heart that just feels too much. His capacity to love is limitless, the only thing stopping him is the way others think and sometimes - the way he thinks. He’s familiar with the looks over people share, a conversation being said in simple glances. 

He wants to find people he can join all his edges together with. To gain that buzz of excitement he feels from multiple hands and smiles that cherish him deep down. Ones that set his skin on fire, a blazing path he knows he can only grow addicted to. He wants it all, the greed unable to be consumed.

And then he grows up and love seems another world away. He didn’t seem to be all that interested with what all the other boys occupied their times with. He didn’t find the joy he wanted from chasing after girls or having them chase after him so he stopped. So he turned to the one thing that brought him happiness. A future he could see himself in. Music. 

When he was eighteen he thought he found just what he was looking for. The warmth he so desperately needed and wished for in a cold, touch-starved world. But it had been paused for what felt like forever. He grew colder in anxiety. His future which seemed so clear shattered beneath him like a frozen lake and pulled him under its stinging, bitterly cold touch. He thought, with a shaking breath, that he was truly experiencing heartbreak for the first time. And it tasted bitter on his tongue. Isolating. Fearful. He has never felt so tired in the span of a couple of days as he watches everything he has worked hard to achieve slowly slip from his hands. 

He couldn’t wash the taste from his mouth.

He had been sat with his friends, his bandmates, in a group he cherishes, after months of waiting to debut. And then there was a phone call, a meeting, and apologies after apologies. Everything falls apart. He’s pushed back to the ground.  _ Bankrupt.  _ It’s the first time he wishes he didn’t exist so he didn’t have to hear the muffled sobs of sadness. Changkyun wishes for the first time he didn’t feel love so easily so the aches he feels at eighteen caused by hopelessness weren’t so painful. His heart had throbbed, sore and bruised. He could hardly breathe, feeling choked up with his head swimming, submerged still in the icy water.

He learnt promises mean nothing when they’re painted on with friendly smiles. He’s learnt the sour taste of sadness as it slips down his cheeks and wets his lips. He’s learnt the tender ache of turning to friends with their voices choked up with tears as they all silently console each other with red-rimmed eyes and quivering smiles. He’s heard a company he had felt thankful for swallowing down the guilt stuffed in their throats with downcast eyes, ashamed to face them. 

It had all been okay, and then it hadn’t, but they had each other. They found their own ways, and for once, other people’s promises didn’t feel so empty. Promises to keep in touch, promises, promises, promises. That’s all they could cling on to.

But even so, those friends become more distant and even with their texts full of congratulatory happiness, genuine with eyes shining they also eventually become people he used to know. People he can look back on with an ache of nostalgia with the whispering words of a thank you ghosting past his lips of what they helped him get through. Because he is, thankful, their paths had crossed. He is, thankful, they had taught him so much. He is, thankful, they gave him love and he gave it all back with everything he had.

  
  
  


But when Changkyun was nineteen he found himself hollow and tired. 

It didn’t matter as much, he was a trainee, that’s all trainees knew how to feel. They wear the same hardened expression that causes a furrow in their brows and determination on their tongues swiping over their lips, eyes ablaze with fiery passion no one could stomp out. One that melts into their skin and latches around their bones and drags them down with the heaviest of weights. They sweat and cry hard work and nobody bats an eyelid when they see dark bruises permanently shadowing the under of eyes. Changkyun was a trainee with the determination to prove he wasn’t useless. The determination to prove that yes, one of his chances may have fallen through, but he was expertly talented enough to make it again.

And if his heart ached because he forgot what love was like (the smell of his mother’s cooking, his father’s smiles and his former member’s hugs) he didn’t dare allow himself to feel it even if he did remember. But thinking about them, it did help in motivating him. He knew he was doing this for himself, for his dreams, but he was also doing it for them. He couldn’t bear letting them down. Especially those who didn’t get a second chance as he did.

Being cast by another agency lifted his spirits for a while. It came as a surprise to him, to feel the corners of his lips pulling into a smile. It was almost as if he forgot the movements, and his face started peeling away. Like he was scared the second his lips turned up his face might crack and splinter. It soon evaporated away, like it was never meant to be there at all. Because that’s the thing about happiness in the storm and gale of life, it’s only temporary.

Changkyun had been used to the constant coming and going that having a moment to himself felt too unfamiliar, almost uncomfortable. From the bustling of people and hovering around him to having complete silence created more tension than he realised. He loved the silence, just as much as he loved being alone. He just  _ hated _ being lonely. And constantly being surrounded by love and affection to just being dropped in the middle of nowhere with no directions, map or compass, it was disorientating and it sucked.

The silence he shared with other trainees soon became so loud it was deafening. If he didn’t pick himself up after he fell he knew he’d get nowhere. 

Going to a new agency alone was scary, but it welcomed a new feeling. It twisted and snarled inside his gut like a ravenous monster. He felt unprotected, unguarded, frightfully alone. It’s left him thinking that for the rest of his life he’ll be tasting coarse dirt on his tongue and will be feeling the smothering heaviness of leather boots on his throat. There was no ridding himself of the sinking feeling in his gut when he reminded himself that this might be his last and final chance. He’s young, talented, but he doesn’t have all the time in the world.

The loneliness he once felt brewing under his skin boils and becomes this oppressive and crushing force, stabbing into his sides and winding him whenever he breathes. But it drives him, motivates him to be  _ better.  _ And even though it began to wrap around his middle, growing tighter and tighter with every negative thought that wormed its way into his mind, it made him feel alive. More alive than he had felt in months.

Rapping helped, knowing he’s done good so far helped, but trying to act like being an outsider in a room full of happiness where nobody even knows your name didn’t hurt had not helped. It’s like screaming out for help at the top of your lungs and there’s only your echo that responds. And even then, it gets quieter and quieter.

He appeared with an apprehensive introduction, lodging all his feelings in his throat and hoping he could hide his sweaty palms well enough on his trouser legs. There are no smiles that greet him back, but it’s not like he was expecting much. He hadn’t even been expecting this much. The harsh lights point down at the table in front of him and there’s the sound of camera whirrs in the back.  _ They’re filming this. _ With a feeling of dread settling in his stomach, he tries to mask the shock he feels when he realises he’s played right into the hands of nasty television drama. More clicks, more views, more money. All at the expense of him. 

After that, it all gets a bit blurry. Two people look up, but the rest bury their heads in their clothes and cast their eyes down, as if his presence itself is overwhelming. He remembers a calm, resolute voice telling him they can’t fully accept him and how the mood is bad. And he gets it. He understands, he didn’t want this either but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less. He can only take in so much pain in his heart before he burst at the seams. It felt like a vine wrapping itself around his heart and squeezing down painfully, causing the emotions he tried to keep inside to drip out like a wet sponge. He had been entertainment, and now he teeters on the edge of everything. Out of place, out of body, out of mind. Floating. Nowhere and everywhere at the same time. He doesn’t feel all there. Like he’s the ghost that walks around and disappears just when the time is right. 

Happiness twisted into nervousness which spiralled into loneliness and then tightened into sadness. He was forced to swallow against the roughness in his throat, closing his eyes to see scowls seared behind his eyelids. He spent many nights wondering when he’ll start to feel like a human again. When he wakes up, he wakes up warm, not cold. Comfortable. There’s a spotted blanket draped over him, one that wasn’t given to him the night before. Strange. He tries not to think about it much, but there’s a prickle of happiness somewhere. Progress. 

Someone cared, at least a little.

-

The worst part about knowing you’re not wanting in a place is how much you can understand why you’re not wanted. Changkyun was willing to sit back and let things happen as they did without allowing anyone to push him around. As much as he hated confrontation he’s not going to let misunderstandings stay as misunderstandings. He had no intention of joining the show the way he did if at all, there was zero malicious intent but he understood why it had seemed that way and reacted the way they did. He finds himself thinking about what his reaction might’ve been If he was in the other’s positions, but he remains unsure and pensive about it. 

Emotions ran high and coupled with the tension, it was a breeding ground for anything to happen. Changkyun just happened to join at the worst time.

Through watching previous episodes he had an image of what they went through and how rough their friend’s elimination was. Never a break, always constantly saying goodbye. Changkyun knows how hard it is, he had to say goodbye too many times in his life to the people he thought were going to be constant. He felt it was enough to justify their actions. He couldn’t put them at fault, not really. He just wished there was a better way to introduce him. 

He couldn’t shake this dreaded feeling of how this would follow him for a while if he was to debut, that he would be known as the boy who joined halfway rather than Im Changkyun - the young rapper with the talent to succeed. He wanted to scream his name, have others listen,  _ prove  _ that this is exactly where he was supposed to be. Even if he doesn’t make it, he doesn’t want his name forgotten. He just wants people to understand, wants to open his heart until all the pain falls out and something better mixes into it, like a load of black paint mixed in with more white, creating the lightest shade of grey. You can’t have good without bad, light without dark. Just like Im Changkyun can’t exist without happiness and sadness.

When the cameras turned off for the day and the staff had begun to say their goodbyes Changkyun watched as tense shoulders dropped and fatigue slowly seeped through onto their faces. There were a chorus of tired sighs and frowns. A pang shot through his heart at the thought that he probably wasn’t making this situation any easier. He sat, hunched at the end of rooms, hoping that if he kept his head down low enough he might just disappear into himself. Or better yet, if he said nothing he might just be forgotten about completely. He’d prefer that over the stars that burn holes in the side of his skull. 

He had never been so aware of how much space that needed to be put between him and someone else. Making sure their legs never touched so he didn’t make them uncomfortable or angry because of him. Being quick and tidy in everything he did. Sitting alone and thinking, waking up the earliest and cleaning up his messes. He wouldn’t dare walk one toe across the line. He had always seemed to miss the glances sent his way, lips chewed and worry tucked under firm lips pursed together. A simple facade. 

_ Nobody knew how to make him listen without the awkwardness of words. _

Changkyun’s arm was slowly getting tired of reaching out and having no one to hold on to.

He made as much effort as he could to just be invisible, to show off his talents and make it to the end of this dark tunnel hoping for something brighter. But then comes that word again, the one he hates -  _ promises.  _

_ “Were you promised anything coming here?”  _

Screaming fuck no from the top of his lungs didn’t seem like the best option with the cameras rolling so he steers himself from flinching back at Jooheon’s firm tone. He couldn’t even begin to look offended because he understood why he had been asked such a question. He’d been doing that a lot lately, understanding.  _ But when was someone going to understand him?  _ He could see where it came from. Being added halfway? It seemed suspicious to anyone watching so he collected himself quickly and stood his ground by firmly saying, “No. Never.”

Because that’s the truth. And he hopes his voice conveyed his truth. He had never been given any proper information about this show. He had a phone call and then was asked to meet the trainees for dinner. Never, in a million years, would he think that someone like him, a viewer, would suddenly be thrust into a show for dramatic purposes with no prior warning. He was expecting a dinner, a nice welcome, maybe even laughter. Instead, he got scowls, half-covered faces and silence. He knows it will take a while for the burn of that one to become a small sting and then eventually something he won’t have any emotion over. 

  
  


And yet being in a room with someone who tells him they thought he was promised something so unspeakable suddenly becomes too much for him. The loneliness creeps up behind his eyelids and pushes hot, salty tears down his cheeks. The knot in his stomach slowly unravelled and his hands trembled with the intensity of pleading himself to hold it all together. He wouldn’t break, but his voice shattered and became hoarse before he could stop it. It was the first time he had seen pure concern from someone else in such a long time. He wanted to chuckle at how something so small could make him so happy. 

He was back to existing. He was starting to be seen. They finally saw and understood the amount of pressure he was cracking under and how they didn’t help. As soon as the days started to pass and emotions started to calm, they saw a young boy with a dream and no one to help him get there. They had been overwhelmed with pity. Because despite the emotions gripping them and their anxiousness biting away at them, no one deserved to be treated like they were unlovable. Changkyun, sweet and quiet so far, didn’t deserve that, even if he was going to debut with him or without him. It didn’t matter. 

_ ( Jooheon didn’t hate the kid. He had started to warm up to him. There’s something likeable about a shy persona that quickly vanishes when steady and powerful raps bleed forcefully and boldly from the tongue with electrified energy. He had his style. Instead of feeling intimidated, he felt relieved - understood, partially, why he’d been thrown in now. There’s something strangely likeable about someone who should be pitied, but not allowing themselves to be. Their new youngest was strong. It’s time he kept his negativity to himself and let them both work hard. ) _

Upon seeing Jooheon in what appeared to be a deep reflection, Changkyun decided to reach his hand out further. He’d wait to feel the warmth spread under his fingertips, even if that meant he’d be waiting a while.

-

Their team had won. 

Another trainee had been eliminated. 

Changkyun wanted to bury his feelings so deep he couldn’t feel a damn thing. 

All progress he had seemed to be making with his confidence swindled a fraction and his legs felt heavier. It was only when a couple more days went by did he start lifting his head higher and noticing the people around him. When he made sure they weren’t looking, he watched them go about their day with keen curiosity. 

When the stress of the cameras left them, they had all been more care-free with how they acted. All of them carried pretty smiles, not quite as radiant as they should be, but they were almost shining as they laughed at something someone else said. It should’ve made him sad, hearing something he felt like he couldn’t do, but it was a nice sound.

Kihyun made him laugh a little on some occasions, and he catches Hoseok’s eyes a few times giving him encouraging glances. He doesn’t read too much into that, either. And he stops apologising in his head for merely existing next to them. Albeit it’s still uncomfortably awkward and tense when he enters rooms with other people in, he’s starting to feel just that little bit more welcomed as the days pass. They were beginning to see him as just a young boy chasing his dream like the rest of them. Deep down, they all knew if they were presented with a similar circumstance they would too jump at the opportunity to be  _ seen  _ and  _ heard  _ by others. 

Because, as much as none of them want to think about, they will be debuting as a group soon. Not all of them either. So putting past emotions aside and taking in the younger under their wings seems like the right thing to do. They can’t keep ignoring him like this, because deep down, they know there’s a strong possibility Changkyun will be debuting. They’re adamant on never bringing it up, the whole ‘who do you think will debut’ but their brains entertain themselves with the idea before it’s too late. 

At the end of the day, they’re sucking it up and realising that the boy deserves better.  _ A lot better. _

  
  
  
  
  


When Changkyun wakes up the next morning, never well-rested but overall lighter he thinks that maybe, just maybe, one day he’ll look back at this moment in time with his new members and will be able to laugh it all off. Maybe the burning in his chest will start to lessen when he hears the words no, mercy and elimination in the same sentence and not feel his gut twisting. All he wants is to look back and not want to cry or have his heart thump and break through his chest at the mentions of promises and freeloading or fighting for a place to belong somewhere.

Stretching his arms out and sighing, he thinks back to the day before, where they asked to hear him rap and saw the way their eyes had widened in shock and relief after they heard him. The mood had shifted from sombre and awkward to hopeful and energetic because they knew with a certain clarity - this IM guy was  _ good.  _ Better, maybe, than the other rappers. Steady flow and strong power meant competition, and although slightly apprehensive about his presence, Changkyun had become the wildcard they never knew they needed. It might ‘ve been a hard pill to swallow at the time, but none could deny, through countless practices, Changkyun’s voice bounced off of Jooheon’s smoothly. 

Their pitches complemented each other’s flow and it was something they all could see, something Jooheon already knew. It was something that brought a weird, fuzzy feeling in his stomach. The more he thought about what debuting with Changkyun instead of Gunhee might be like, the more he felt sick and guilty at how much he might want that. Wanted it both perhaps.

He didn’t blame Changkyun for being good, he blamed himself for wanting the young boy to be better in the first place. For thinking, even for a second that he wants to debut with him by his side. No one needed to know though, not now, and potentially not ever. He’d hide this war with himself before anyone even noticed.

Changkyun was  _ good _ and it scared them a  _ tiny  _ bit. It was clear they begged him to have a distasteful, arrogant character but not soon after they began to realise there wasn’t a single bad bone in the boy’s body. Just pure innocence mixed with awkward smiles, forever helpful, forever kind. They picked up on him pacing about sometimes, hands wringing in nervousness, the way he fidgeted constantly in his seat. But they lacked the courage to often take his hand and hold it, to place a hand on his knee and steady him, to anchor him to the ground. They could only hope half-smiles and watery eyes could say more than they ever could with words at that moment.

They wanted him to be okay. He was impressive, and a voice like that doesn’t come about often. They had begun to realise just why he was added. Perhaps it was the company wanting to find someone who suited Jooheon’s style better. Perhaps they had found him already. Perhaps they were looking straight at a future member of a group that will debut.

It was a quick revelation they all had. No matter how unfair they found it, how many times they’ll complain about hell broadcasting, this show will always follow Changkyun like the blackest shadow. He had been done the dirtiest out of all of them, thrown into a fight he wasn’t even prepared for. And still, the youngest, their maknae, had scrambled and clung on to any hope and proved that despite his start, he had already perfected his style, polished it until it gleamed. He would be going far, no matter what the outcome was to be.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


And despite waking up the next morning with a general ache in his limbs, it was a slow start followed by a hectic schedule, short, simple conversations that neither people knew how to continue. Changkyun wanted desperately to get closer to the other trainees, to show that he was no threat, that he had no idea it was going to happen this way either but they seemed so far away from him. He wanted to level out the misunderstanding, squash rumours, let them know he wasn’t just freeloading on their hard work. Wasn’t just here on promises he was never given.

  
  


And just like that, the day was over, and a new one started all over again. They’d all pass in a blur, and although it should’ve been concerning it almost felt nice to go to sleep so tired that they have no dreams. They’d just sleep, wake up, practice or perform and sleep all over again.

Until the days dwindle down and suddenly it was their last one.

  
  
  


Their final performance on stage together, chest heavy and eyes unfocused, Changkyun knows that even if he doesn’t make it, seeing people hold up the name he created for himself, the two syllables  _ I M  _ was enough for him. He had made an impact in a short amount of time.

Standing on that stage had never made him feel as sick as he felt now. The lights, harsh and bright, worsen the already staggeringly bad headache. His lips had been bitten raw, and his throat was dry and scratchy. Even his limbs had never felt this heavy. He worried for a moment if he would be able to move from this spot. Panic surged throughout his entire body and for one fearful moment, he worried he might pass out. 

He could hear the fans whispering as the lights dimmed, could feel the judge’s stares on all of them, their faces matching in pity and anxiousness. Changkyun could hardly lift his head to observe his surroundings. He didn’t want to see the faces of people on him, he just wanted to disappear. He could only mumble quietly -  _ this is it. This is it. Oh fuck. _ Until the words felt like lead on his tongue.

He wasn’t surprised when they called out the first name -  _ Jooheon  _ yet it still made his heart jump. He thought for a moment if he ended up debuting with him, he would be happy. Then Shownu and Kihyun. His heart rate picked up at the call of the latter’s name. Kihyun had been kind to him, offered him to join the others and made sure he was okay. He laughed at his jokes and for the first time in a while, he felt welcomed more than ever before. He liked Kihyun. Shownu defended him a few times and he felt calm when he was with him. He liked Shownu. He realised, standing there, he wanted to debut with the three of them.

And then came the calling out of Hyungwon (he wasn’t sure where he stood with him), Hoseok, who had been equally as understanding as Kihyun after a few awkward chats. He appreciated his company. And then…. 

IM.

His name was called, and all of a sudden the world around him went blurry. He remembers staggering back before his feet walked him to the podium where he had stood, hands firmly clasped together and head down. Overwhelming dizziness and nauseousness overcame him at the fact that  _ he made it. _ He had another chance at debuting. What was he supposed to be feeling? He couldn’t describe it. Deep-rooted and aching, he could hardly feel joy. Relief, maybe. He couldn’t hide the ache that he felt all over, head throbbing, all he wanted was to just escape from all the eyes on him but he had been chosen. He made it somehow and he swore to himself and the company that he wasn’t going to waste this second opportunity. 

And then Minhyuk’s name was called. It was over. 

Changkyun thought maybe after this everything could be okay - or just short of being okay before he was reminded with a crushing revelation as he heard Jooheon’s voice crack and the tears start slipping down his cheeks, that Gunhee had not made it. The guilt trampled over his throat and burrowed inside of him, making sure he felt it in every single step he took, the dizziness and nausea growing tenfold. 

_ Fuck.  _

  
  


They told them with the warmest smiles that they should celebrate yet the mood wasn’t  _ right _ . He was relieved to make it again, but could hardly lift his face from his hoodie, could hardly speak a word from the lump clogging his throat. He swallowed down an apology on the tip of his tongue as Jooheon approached him. He felt like he knew what he was going to say the moment he pulled him in for a hug. It was like a whisper,  _ you have to work hard, alright?  _ That roughly translated to  _ you deserved this okay? let’s work hard together.  _ It was comforting. He finally felt that warmth he craved seep into his fingertips, slowly spreading through to his chest. It will take some time until things are okay, he knows this, but it’s a little more bearable the warmer he gets.

He felt sorry for the others that didn’t make it. Despite his unfortunate timing, he had grown particularly fond of everyone in individual ways, even with the lack of words spoken. He enjoyed the entertainment he would get from innocently listening into conversations, lip caught in a pull upwards that even others who noticed seemed to smile at. The small conversations he did have seemed to allow him to forget for a while, seemed to just allow him to hold on that little bit longer. For that, he’s grateful he had the chance to know them.

He couldn’t help the nagging thoughts in the back of his head, however. _ How is he going to make this right? How are they going to be a team when he can’t even look at them for more than ten seconds?  _

It’ll take some time, but they will become a team. He’s sure, if he holds his hand out a little longer like this, they’ll all take it at some point.

  
  
  


Later that night, he found himself stuck in a haze as he walked back to the dorms straggling behind the rest, unaware of their concerned glances being thrown at him. He hardly felt himself being pulled into a hug as he kept his eyes trained to the floor. He appreciated the warmth but hated how it brought tears to his eyes. He wanted to cry, wanted to let it all out, but thought it would be selfish to.

He was just so tired. But so happy it was over.

The warmth that enveloped him soon slowly left him, arms loosening from him and he had to swallow down the whine that threatened to escape his throat as the coldness from the outside seeped back in. There weren’t many words spoken between everyone that night. Changkyun supposes everyone was only trying to handle the grief of not debuting with their friends and also accepting the fact that they had made it. That their hard work had paid off in the end.

Everyone was quiet, and although no one was talking, he could feel the weight of their stares, their sadness. It piled on top of him, so much so it felt like he was burying himself, making himself disappear under their rubble of misery. Of course, he couldn’t blame his hyungs for not understanding that sometimes, his head feels like it isn’t connected to the rest of his body. His thoughts get messy, irritatingly loud or so quiet he’s driven insane by the sound of his heartbeat is the only thing he hears. All he wants to do is sleep and just not exist for a day or two, to allow the broken pieces of his mind to glue themselves together with some sleep.

The awkwardness lingers for a while and Changkyun accepts that it’s just how things will be for a little while. How could he blame them for acting the way they did. All they wanted was to debut with their friends but having them not get that chance. He went through the same thing, made it with the ones he thought he would be spending the rest of his idol years with yet having that ripped away from him last minute. He knew how it felt, the sting of betrayal, the bitterness of the sadness. The ache of saying goodbye. 

Maybe that’s why he struggles to sleep peacefully. He had it all ripped from him once. Who’s to say it won’t happen again?

Needless to say, sleep doesn’t come to him as easily as he would’ve hoped. The mental pressure of it all finally caught up to him and he couldn’t shake the feeling that he had taken the spot that had almost felt _ reserved  _ for someone else, someone that is closer to everyone else than him. Try as he might to tell himself that he wasn’t a cheater, it was difficult to put that thought to rest. No one said it to him, not directly, but he saw it in the comments, in the eyes of fans as he walked past. He was exhausted, and yet he still couldn’t sleep.

He longed for his bed at home, to not wake up jolting in fear from footsteps approaching the end of his new bed with the thought that someone might just drag him away and throw him out. He had seen the reaction from the others when he flinched away sometimes, how their faces contort from confusion to concern. Changkyun knew it would be unlikely to get ripped away from this opportunity but sleep didn’t come as easily as he would’ve liked and he was having a hard time communicating. Of course, he felt like everything would shatter in an instant. Like the second he relaxes someone will be right behind him to ruin the peace all over again.

His feelings of guilt were hard to shift. He watched as the other trainees leave and the members trying hard not to cry as he sat there, unmoving, unemotional,  _ silent. _ He felt like he should say goodbye but what was he going to do? Awkwardly stand there and smile? He couldn’t, so when everyone is caught up with keeping themselves busy he sits and just stares at nothing, watching the clock tick on because what was he supposed to say to someone who probably doesn’t want to see his face any more than he does himself? 

For a while he stares up at the ceiling listening to the even breaths of the person below him and next to him, trying to get used to sleeping with other people until a soft voice is whispering to him and there’s a solid body sliding in next to him, saying that he should go to bed soon and get some rest. The gentleness reminds him of the short but warm hug from earlier. Even though the numbness and shock haven’t settled in, he still nods his head slowly and turns into the chest of the person.

The warmth is back, he didn’t even realise he was shivering from the cold until someone way warmer than him started to heat him up. He doesn’t have it in him to feel embarrassed, his eyes are swollen, his head has begun to throb and he’s just  _ so tired _ . He’s so sure he feels the hands at his sides twitching before they reach out and hold onto him. And throughout all of this, he can still feel someone’s -  _ Kihyun’s -  _ eyes on him, watching, wanting to say something to him. It stays like that for a while. Comforted by the presence of two people watching over him.

He hears the sound of a sigh, one full of something he can’t decipher before the bed is creaking and Kihyun in the bunk over from him is rolling over is the last thing he hears before everything is silent again. Changkyun still listens out for any noises, still on edge.

There’s a tightness in his chest, something nasty that twists and convulses as he thinks that  _ this _ will be his life from now on. He blinks into the darkness for a few moments, listening to the breathing of the people in the room before the realisation hits him and leaves him breathless.  _ Oh god. This will be his life from now on. Always like this. Permanently. _

The tightness forms again in his throat, clamping down and he doesn’t even realise until he puts a hand to his cheek that he’s  _ crying _ . His nose runs and his heart physically  _ aches _ and there’s panic rising because  _ he can’t take this.  _ He can’t take this,  _ not forever. _ He can’t take the loneliness despite being in a room full of people. He can’t take the silence. He hates it.  _ He hates it.  _

_ Hoseok holds on tighter, wanting nothing but to comfort the boy crumbling apart in front of him.  _

_ “It’s so distressing hyung,” Changkyun whispers to Hoseok lying beside him, “I don’t want it to be like this anymore.”  _

_ Hoseok sniffles and pats his head, overcome with the strong urge to protect the boy in his arms who’s come to trust him so much in such a short time. “It’s okay, it’ll all be okay. If you try to get closer to them first, the guys will never be hostile towards you, they’re only misunderstanding you.” _

Changkyun wants things to change. Something needs to, and in the silence, and the moon that hauntingly shines a light on his face, he doesn’t even realise another pair of eyes are trained on him as he sheds his tears, another person has joined them and patting his thigh in a rhythmic beat. The person’s lips are pulled down into a frown, heart-squeezing painfully at the pitiful sight of their youngest using the veil of night to hide.

Long after Changkyun falls asleep the other two people awake in the room stay like that, silent, unmoving and unsure of what exactly to do to help him. 

But they know where they can start.

-

If sixteen-year-old Changkyun was told he would find himself debuting and finding his place in a group of six handsome, talented men, he would have laughed in their face and told them to quit joking around. And now, a few weeks later from the announcement of the final lineup, he’s going to debut in the months to come and he doesn’t know how to feel. Although he’s faced many hardships he doesn’t want to remind himself of, he’s...he’s made some progress. He’s smiling more, doesn’t feel like he’s being suffocated every single day.

It’s not much, but it’s something. He has to cling onto that something.

It’s easier to smile but Changkyun realises early on that the feeling of being an outsider never truly goes away. That feeling of thinking he’s inadequate buries itself deep and twists sideways into your soul so the pain lingers for longer. But it’s better, it will always be better than what it was. They share their laughter, their warmth, their love.

There is no silence to fall back on, not in a dorm with six other loud men. There is no comfort from stray animals that nuzzle against his leg or purr in his ear as he walks around the company for inspiration and a break. There is no hair dye to change his appearance or a phone call with his mother to calm him down. Just a burst of buzzing laughter in another room that feels so far away. Like he’s an outsider looking in, all over again. He can’t join in, doesn’t feel like he can. Or maybe that isn’t it, maybe he’s just scared to open himself up, let other people see in.

On these nights, breathing is a little harder than usual. 

It begins as a dull throb that pounds in his head alongside the heavy beat of his heart, surging through him, pumping around him. It’s Spreading. Unescapable. Although he’s trying desperately to learn how to mute the feeling, it never fails to come and attack him when nights are longer and large amounts of stress weigh down his shoulders. It’s exhausting, carrying such a burdensome emotion he only wishes to part ways with. But it’s not like he can just cut it off. It’s rooted deep inside of him, weaving in and around his heart locking him into place.

The saddest part is that he knows he’s accepted, that he is on the road of being loved even though they are only three months in. His parents and the fans remind him that he’s made it here with his talents alone and nothing else, but these emotions he feels, this  _ incessant  _ need to be loved can’t be muted so easily. He only wishes it were that simple. Then maybe he wouldn’t have the sleepless nights, the tired half-smiles, the unbearable,  _ crushing _ feeling that shatters his chest open and carves sharply into the wall of his heart, merciless and excruciating. 

Sometimes it feels like he doesn’t belong and will never belong. It’s hard to banish those types of thoughts sometimes. Especially on late nights and cameras following you everywhere, people breathing down your neck constantly, controlling you some way or another. He hates the fact that he can’t be in control.

And not only all of that, he’s in a predicament, one where he doesn’t want to open himself to affection but especially craves it from one specific person, so intensely it might just make him explode. The ache inside of him is so terrible, so paralysing he can barely stand it. He opens his eyes and can barely breathe from the weight on his chest. His head screams at him as it splits itself in two, head pounding and pounding and pounding. Unrelentless, it continues until he’s forced to get up and take care of himself. His body is weak and he’s so tired. He wants his brain to make up its mind, to choose what it wants.

It’s like he’s at war with himself but he doesn’t know which side is the right one.

If he didn’t join the group halfway, would things be different? Would he be thinking differently? Would this nagging loneliness that drags him down have disappeared, have ever existed? Why is he  _ so different? Why does he want so much love from more than one person? Why does he feel like this all over again? Needy. Greedy.  _ He knows the answer. The loneliness has always painfully co-existed inside of him. He’s always felt things so deeply it threatens to tear his heart in two from the fullness or empty him completely.

It wouldn’t matter what he did, how he did it, or why. He was born to be lonely. Or loved.

Some days he wants it all.

Changkyun knows deep down, somewhere in the thorny rose bushes that barricade around his heart he deserves to be where he is now. He knows he’s with the members he loves and who love him back, he’s in a dorm he loves, he’s surrounded by fans he loves. He deserves the thousands of kisses and cuddles, the warmth that dances across his chest and lights up his face. He deserves all this, but there is always that feeling at the end of the day where he is reminded of the ‘what ifs’. 

Maybe he just needs someone to hold him and tell him everything will be okay. But for now, he leans forward into himself and slumps back, trying to bear how bad it feels inside. He misses being held close and cared for. Their schedules exhaust them to the point where they can hardly make it into their dorm without passing out. There’s no time for anything. Yet the doubts come back, which to him seems crazy because he knows just how loved and special he is.

Everyone is hurting just like he is.

And the members notice. They always notice him. Changyun has become a solid presence in their lives, and when he isn’t around, they can feel a physical gap in their sides, a gap in their hearts like Changkyun had been sliced away from them. They’re sad when the youngest isn’t there to enjoy these easy moments with them. They just want him close, want to comfort him, to love him. 

They want to love him. They already do.  _ If only he’d see that. _

It’s so easy to love Changkyun it’s scary to them. 

A boy with a massive heart that acts more like a hyung than some of them do. There’s a comforting air of maturity about him like he’s lived multiple lives over and over and they’ve all had the same, sad outcome that has made him all the wiser. But he’s also a lot more than that too. He’s their cute, pretty maknae that is always up for cuddles, always smiles wider when he thinks no one else is looking at him. He’s their protector even if he doesn’t see it himself. Sometimes he even rivals Minhyuk as the mood-maker on his good days.

He has a lot of those.

But even if Changkyun never realises, their chests always bloom with pride when they correctly notice the different types of quietness Changkyun shows. When his lips were slightly turned down and it looked like the world was crushing him, they had hugged him to share the weight. But his silence lately has been different. It wasn’t the usual, normally shared ‘I’m tired’ silence, or the ‘I’m busy’ silence, but the looming, empty silence that seemed to create miles between Changkyun and them all. He just sits, oddly quiet, oddly lost somewhere else. Like he isn’t there with them at all or he is, but he feels too much of the tiredness they’re feeling too.

Yes, their youngest is quiet, but he’s never unobservant, so when his face is blank and he’s blinking slowly, a weird feeling grows in the pits of their stomachs when they all file into the bedrooms at some random time in the morning, thinking the younger was asleep but is just curled up in the sheets, awake but staring at nothing. His head didn’t even snap up to their calls, only his eyes widened when Hyungwon leans down to touch his arm, causing him to flinch away like he hadn’t even realised he was in the room with him.

It makes Changkyun’s face burn as he immediately stutters out apologies. He doesn’t feel well all of a sudden. Why was he so out of it? Was he that tired? They have all moved past no mercy, so why does Changkyun still hesitate and flinch around them? Everyone quickly got over themselves and apologised, working on developing their friendships and relationships into ones of love and trust to make sure that not only their group succeeds, but that they all stay happy and healthy. It was the only thing they could do then, and the only thing they would ever want to do over and over again. Anything to make their adorable, charming maknae happy.

After their anger over the situation had dissipated they had time to reflect on their childish actions. For fuck sake, the kid had only just turned 20, he was young, lonely and his eyes held such sadness it made their hearts hurt and eyes gloss over with indescribable guilt. There were many weeks when it had been awkward, many weeks where they couldn’t even look at themselves in the mirror because they couldn’t face how unfair they had been to him. 

Yet it took very little time to escape these mindsets and welcome the younger with open arms for a second time, trying desperately to put a smile on their angel’s face, to see his little dimples that gave them hope. It didn’t take as much time as they thought to coax him out of his shell with all the help they had between them. It was then they realised how starved of affection their maknae was. 

Changkyun was so fierce when they finally got to know him. He was so sure about most things, and that made them realise just how mature and loving he was. There was no fakeness in any of his actions. Bold truths, unapologetic opinions yet he remained respectful. He wore every emotion on his sleeve and it was...uplifting to say the least, to see someone so young and dark to sometimes slip and be one of the brightest in the room. Sometimes it came as a shock when they remembered once again he was the maknae. It still shocks them. He was ridiculously smart, but still secretly so unsure about most things. The quiet and alone type. The title of the lone wolf had never suited someone better than it suited their maknae.

But, in every sense of the word, he has a pack now. He didn’t need to feel lonely anymore.

Changkyun might not talk about this problems frankly, not wanting to show his weak side, but from having younger siblings it became easier to tell over time when he’s not feeling like himself and is struggling with something. It just all takes time, they have to learn to trust each other and it’s only now Changkyun feels like he can start sniffing around like a cat moving into a new home, scenting everything as he goes. 

Because even though Changkyun liked to play hyung, he was so incredibly soft and pliant underneath it all and it’s the kind of softness that unintentionally makes their hearts melt. It’s not like they ever needed the cute aegyo maknae Changkyun was ‘supposed’ to be. He was effortlessly cute with whatever he did anyway, but he was also so supportive, so caring, so  _ different _ . They often wondered how someone could hold so much love in such a small body. He felt like a hyung more than a dongsaeng. It was comforting in a way, to always feel a strong presence coming from someone so young. 

So when they see him lying in bed, looking far too small, something had to be done. Hyunwoo, Changkyun is sure it’s him, whispers something similar to “This won’t do,” and leans down to brush away Changkyun’s bangs from his face, picking him up bridal style suddenly from the bed, laughing at his little yelp as he’s carried into the living room with the others following behind, smiling adoringly at the way Changkyun buries his face into Hyunwoo’s neck, beyond embarrassed. 

Changkyun doesn’t have a problem with this, with anything concerning them, not really, his hyungs warmed up to him quicker than expected, taking his hands and grasping firmly as they trusted him. They moved forward, deciding to forget the way things began for them. 

There was no problem, no concerns unless Changkyun looked too deeply into things. There’s no problem, but Changkyun may, perhaps,  _ possibly _ , likes one of the members just a tad bit... _ differently  _ than the rest. But he’s sure it’s just admiration for this hyung, not a crush. Crushes are stupid. Changkyun will grow out of it.

And as he is placed on the sofa, remnants of their takeaways and beers scattered all over the table getting cleared away, he’s surprised to find the others going away and returning with their mattresses in tow, lining them all up next to them and dragging Changkyun into the middle of it all, Hoseok on his left and Jooheon on his right as they bury him under the warm blankets, pressing tender kisses to his forehead that explain so much more than words ever could.

Changkyun doesn’t know what to say in return, doesn’t know how to take in what has just happened around him. They’re all together. They’re doing their best to make him feel like he belongs and that thought makes his chest swell with affection, so much he almost cries when Hoseok opens his arms and he crawls in, Jooheon asking in a hushed whisper if it was okay for him to cuddle into him and Changkyun, flustered, nods his head quickly as Jooheon grins. 

He laughs the hardest he has in weeks, and everyone else laughs too. It’s sweet _. Reminds him of home. _

They all end up falling asleep easily because of the warmth shared from seven bodies. Changkyun remains awake, buzzing with energy, swelling with love, almost blooming like a flower. He hasn’t felt so happy in a long time. And Hoseok seems to notice, and it doesn’t help because maybe Changkyun can’t sleep because of him, because of them all, hyper-aware of bodies pressing into him, so warm and so soft. Lost in eyes that are so inviting and  _ alive _ . 

That was one thing about them all, they made living look so  _ easy. _

And he had a while to go yet.

-

  
  


Changkyun didn’t mean for it to happen at all, but it just did. 

He knows this feeling, knows he feels a lot of it for these six people, but he can’t let go of soft, attractive eyes that breathe hope into him. Even when he closes his eyes they’re there, even when he dreams they’re there. Just like when he was young before everything got complicated, messy and strange. Watching from afar and allowing his eyes to close after a brief moment of contact, letting the minuscule touch sink into his skin and spread like a wildfire.

He can’t help the way he feels and he tries to tell himself he’s just lonely and touch-deprived like every other idol but he knows he isn’t. He knows it’s okay, but the worst part is, he thought he was over it. He thought he managed to leave all those messy emotions in the past, but it’s catching up to him, consuming him. Just because he began to accept himself doesn’t mean these feelings don’t overwhelm him. Sometimes it is too much, especially when he keeps it all to himself. 

It’s not like he can say how he feels so openly. Not now when things are only starting to look up. One slip up and everything can come crashing down around him. Living like that, it’s suffocating. It will be for the rest of his life.

They make a good seven together, despite the awkward sort of tension that lingers when they are left alone together. They laugh at his jokes, (which even he knows aren’t even funny) and they do their best to make him feel loved, appreciated and  _ heard  _ in the group. They all do a wonderful job, but Changkyun’s grown attached to his soft hyungs a little more than he likes. The admiration, affection, kindness, it’s all there, and they share it. Being with them is easy. Changkyun likes when things are easy.

It’s no surprise he found it hard to get close to Hoseok initially. Despite his emotional and loving nature, at first glance, Changkyun was sure he could have been swallowed whole by his muscles. Not only that, but Hoseok could be intimidating and  _ large  _ when he wanted to be. His face had always gone stoic and emotionless when hard decisions came up, and when the stress piled upon his shoulders he did what Changkyun did - shut himself off. 

They all have their flaws.

And not only that, it didn’t help that Hoseok is beautiful. He will always be. Fair and handsome, carrying an intimidating aura that completely contrasts from his personality. Hoseok reminds him of vanilla and cherries. Sweet, or something like that. Hoseok’s a big presence, but it isn’t overbearing to Changkyun like he thought it might be, instead it’s protective, soothing. Hoseok becomes his solace. Then they become each others. 

The way his heart flutters when he’s around Hoseok makes him scared. But that’s not a new feeling to him, it’s just that he hasn’t felt it for a long time. It was almost forgotten within him, buried deep and now all these memories are flooding back. He’s spent ages conditioning himself to think one way, and now he’s reversing everything. Untying a knot he spent years tightly securing. 

He just doesn’t know how long he can keep it up. The silence. The feelings. Everything’s unravelling in his hands, red strings wrapping around him over and over again. It’s painful and it only burrows deeper within him but Changkyun just lets it in the hopes it just might rip him apart or make him forget everything completely.

So he sleeps, and he sleeps well, dead to the world around him and the arms that hold him just a little tighter than when he was awake alongside the feather-light kiss pressed to his cheek. 

Just like that first night as a seven in the dorms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! <3
> 
> come find me here - [twitter](https://twitter.com/MINGIHUG?s=09)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaand I'm back with more! I'm finally finished with this part of the story, the prologue if you will - one that shows the start of the hyung's developing their relationship with changkyun.
> 
> there will be another update soon! I've tried my best to keep this to a weekly thing but I'm sorry if you are left waiting for updates, I'll be as quick as I can. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
> come find me here! [twitter](https://twitter.com/MINGIHUG?s=09)

The sting of pre-debut never seems to wash away under the hot steam of the shower. No matter how many times they’ve tried, it’s permanent. The scars remain.

It's an equal mix between feeling one of two things. Trying to overcome the constant battle of fatigue or the pure excitement of officially debuting in less than three months. They’re happy most days, fans support was no less streaming through and management was always quick to give them praise, and things to spend their time perfecting. But for the most part, things were looking up. They figured that the tiredness was always going to be there, but it’ll get easier the more they got used to it.

Time had never seemed to be moving so quickly before. They almost felt underprepared as the days went by, fuelled by twitchy nervousness and the wanting to just do anything to get their minds off of things when it becomes too much. And they find it ridiculous considering all the preparation they've done, all the praises they’ve received. Cleaning up dance moves came easy the more the days passed by and vocal training left them buzzing with that similar excitement. They sounded good, they were smiling a lot more than they were a few weeks ago, they were debuting soon and people were going to hear them, loud and clear.

It felt unreal.

And that buzz never ceased despite the exhaustion that settled deep as they'd make their way back to the dorm in the early hours of the morning, struggling to lug their bodies through the door and into bed - only to grumble and groan as they are painfully reminded that they needed to shower.

The best part about being too tired is that it's almost too easy to forget the oppressive tension that seemed to remain around the dorm, not exactly unpleasant more than it is awkward. Intense in a way that they can't put their finger on, not when their eyelids were so heavy and all they could do was continuously blink to keep themselves from falling under. Despite their new diet and lack of money, snacks were a frequent thing as long as they could keep it a secret between them.

Most days coming back to the dorm were spent sleeping, humming melodies or playing games to separate themselves from the stress of the days ahead. It was important to have a balance, they knew this. It was so easy to lose themselves in their work and overdo it, so they force themselves to take a break, to just sit and breathe and talk as well as they can as they imagine the future that’s starting to look clearer every day. 

Changkyun would sit with them sometimes, watching them fight sleep one by one, feeling himself yawn quietly and wipe his watery eyes with his hoodie sleeves and try not to sleep himself. And tonight, it’s no different. He’s been feeling off all day, and not with sickness, but something else. Something that has him spacing out more often, chest feeling hollow and empty. He realises, looking around, he misses home. A lot more than he thought he would. They all get homesick at times, but Changkyun’s never felt it this strong before.

There’s a dull throb that wakes up inside him when he sees the way Hyunwoo would carefully lift up Hyungwon in the mornings or how Minhyuk would feed Jooheon his noodles, wiping off the sauce that drips down his chin. Even the way Hoseok’s eyes shine after he manages to get Kihyun laughing at one of his jokes and it’s so strong he can’t look up at them anymore. He coughs as quietly as possible to dislodge the lump that’s stuck in his throat before something soft lands on his shoulder and distracts him from his thoughts.

He tries not to let the shock show on his face when he looks and sees it’s Minhyuk who’s pressed up against him, sighing out softly with his eyes closed. As if his shoulder provided him as much comfort as someone else’s would. Changkyun, heart racing, counts every individual eyelash and follows the slope of his nose with his eyes, unable to tear them away. He doesn’t know what to do if he was allowed to even move so he relaxes and allows the tension in his shoulders to loosen slightly. He doesn’t know why it makes him so happy, but it does. He glances up to see if anyone else notices and Hyunwoo meets his eyes, smiling but there’s something off in his expression, something he can’t quite decipher as his brows furrowed when he goes back to talking to Kihyun, quieter this time. 

Kihyun stands after a few minutes, looks over and sees Changkyun still hasn’t moved from his seat and stares off at the distance at nothing, eyes glazed over. A weird feeling rising in his chest. But he recognised what Changkyun might be feeling. He had seen that same expression on Jooheon’s face when he was searching for some comfort, anything to try and replicate the warmth he would get from his family he’d been missing. 

He seemed to be too aware then, of how pitifully alone Changkyun must be feeling still. So he moves forward and took the first step in closing the gap standing between them.

“Changkyun-ah?” Kihyun pushes the boy’s arm gently. The younger seems to jolt back to life, blinking up at him, careful not to jostle Minhyuk too much.

“Y-Yes Kihyun-hyung?” 

Changkyun’s neck still tingles from Minhyuk’s hair brushing against it. He can’t stop feeling it. The place where Kihyun touched him with his hand burns. 

“You should sleep soon okay? We have a long day tomorrow and…” He trails off like he wants to say something else that’s on the tip of his tongue but he glances away and looks back like no time had passed at all. “You need to sleep well.” He adds finally. 

Although he’d never admit it, the truth is that Kihyun loves taking care of people, and he still hasn’t had the proper pleasure of making sure their maknae is taken care of as much as he should be by him. He doesn’t want to scare the kid, so he sat back and observed him doing his own things, which mostly consisted of hiding in his bed and sleepily walking around aimlessly like he still hasn’t registered he has a home with them now. Kihyun doesn’t want him feeling like that ever again, and it’s clear Changkyun doesn’t want his pity either. He’s trying, they all are.

Hyunwoo, listening in the back, nods in agreement to Kihyun’s words before he starts to wake up Minhyuk by tenderly rubbing his hand on his arm. His hyung stirs in his sleep, nose scrunching up as he sighs a long breath, grunting as Hyunwoo impatiently lifts him to his feet. Minhyuk mumbles something incoherent and smiles sleepily at Changkyun, thanking him for letting him sleep on his lovely, soft arms, and whines loudly as he begrudgingly follows after their leader.

Hyunwoo hesitates for a moment before he leaves and Changkyun notices something gleaming in his eyes as he suddenly leans over the side of the sofa and ruffles his hair messily, darting away before Kihyun could hit him and shout at him to “Leave our poor maknae alone!”

Hyunwoo’s action makes Changkyun giggle, forgetting about the state of his hair and focusing on the warmth spreading from his head and down to his chest. He suddenly feels a lot lighter. His hyungs are children, and he loves it. Kihyun’s own smile widens seeing Changkyun’s dimples and suddenly the elder’s fingers find themselves in Changkyun’s hair, pushing the brown locks back and trying to smooth the mess Hyunwoo made. Changkyun can feel his cheeks getting warmer because Kihyun is so close to him and it’s making him feel uneasy. But it’s a type of uneasiness he doesn’t hate. He just doesn’t quite understand it.

Changkyun finds everything suddenly too overwhelming. He’s spent so long burying and trying to drive all his feelings away, pretending he never have cared at all but one touch is starting to bring it all back up to the surface. And he wants nothing more than to feel all of this, to savour it because he’s still terrified of waking up and finding himself looking up at the walls of his old bedroom, eyes swollen, heart too heavy to carry and walls too claustrophobic. Of being a million miles away with everything he’s ever dreamed off just out of arm’s length.

Changkyun wants to let this be nothing more than simple affection. He’s spent too long perfecting his smile when Hoseok sits just a bit too close, and for the same feelings to arise for someone else, it terrifies him. He can’t just turn off and become distant, so the selfish part of him that craves their touches remains the loudest and he doesn’t do anything about it. He falls deeper, just for a little longer.

It’s all too quiet, the air tense between them. His cheeks, he’s sure are hot and he knows he’s blushing but either Kihyun doesn’t even notice, or he does but chooses not to say anything. Changkyun is grateful either way. Kihyun has always been sweet with him, gentle. He seemed scared almost, to upset him in any way, as if angering him was the last thing he wanted to do. 

Kihyun pulls away from him after a couple more seconds, clearing his throat and leaning back to take all of Changkyun in, to study him almost before he tears his eyes away and acts like nothing happened, busying himself with another task, unsure of where to quite put himself now.

Changkyun takes it as his cue to try and get some sleep. Kihyun watches him walk away with his head a little higher than when he entered the room half an hour ago, pride blossoming in his chest. He knows it will get easier, and Changkyun will trust them more, but he can tell that he’s tired so he’s doing what he can do in this situation - reach out and hold Changkyun’s hand that was already outstretched towards them this whole time.

He thinks of how far they’ve come in the past couple weeks, and just how much time has passed since. He remembers one night he had woken up from the wind howling outside their window and couldn’t get back to sleep, tossing and turning before he sat up with a small sigh, looking over to find Changkyun’s bunk empty. Normally he would brush it off, thinking their youngest had gone to the toilet or something but five minutes of waiting later Changkyun never returned and Kihyun grew suspicious. 

Sleep seemed a world away now so he decided to go maknae hunting, hoping he was at least in the dorms with them and not wandering down to the studio or sneaking in extra practice they all know he does at random times. Fortunately, it didn’t take long to find him, hovering around the kitchen with small steps, like a ghost passing through a place they don’t intend to stay long at. 

Kihyun stopped and observed for a couple of seconds before he made his entrance, making sure he kept his steps loud enough for the maknae to hear him approaching, but not so the other members would wake up to the noise too. He watched as Changkyun’s eyes widened and he closed the cupboard door swiftly as if he wasn’t allowed to be in there in the first place which was absurd. 

Out of all things he’d thought he’d find in the early hours of the morning, Changkyun hesitating to drink a glass of water was not one of them. Yet here he was, huddled in the corner, waiting for Kihyun to say something. And he tried, to say it was okay, to make it seem less like he’s the predator trapping his prey but the words just wouldn’t get past his throat, not when Changkyun’s eyes seemed to be so vibrantly shining in the light of the moon. He gets it though, sometimes having some peace and quiet is what everyone needs. So instead, he smiles and hopes it conveys his emotions well enough.

And then his body seemed to move on its own accord, gently approaching the flustered younger and placing both his hands on his arms, praying his eyes held the determination and softness he felt, wanting to comfort him, to let him know that, “The dorm is just as much yours as it is ours, you belong here now, I don’t want to see you hesitate to get something again”. 

He had never felt so accomplished to see Changkyun’s glossy eyes shine brighter, a smile tugging the corner of his lips up and once again, exposing soft dimples he hopes he’ll get the chance of pressing a finger in one day. He senses an apology on the tip of Changkyun’s tongue with the way his mouth opens but Kihyun gives him one of his firm stares and the younger’s mouth closes once more and instead swallows down the water in his glass instead, almost choking on it. It didn’t help when Kihyun just continued to smile encouragingly at him, causing the tips of his ears to redden before the elder is whispering “Good boy” into the air around them as he takes the now empty cup away to be washed.

Changkyun had frozen for a moment, blinked and scuttled off back to bed before anything else could be said. But he went to bed that night and dreamt of something pretty he knew he’d forget in the morning. But he had woken up - although slightly groggy and dazed - happier. 

Thinking of Kihyun, he had tried to calm the erratic beats of his heart and hide his flushed face because why did he feel the need to get so close to him, to touch him at the most random times and smile at him. It’s the same thing he feels when Hoseok is extra soft to him, or when he laughs with him. It muddles his mind and sets his heart on overdrive. He welcomes their touches with ease, and in return, he promises to go to them when he feels troubled, or just wants to relax for a bit. It was easy with them, comfortable.

Changkyun could get used to the easy and comfortable.

-

The worst part about getting your hopes up is that sometimes you feel like they come crashing down more than floating down. It’s not that anything bad has happened, or things have changed, but to Kihyun, it’s more like things have come to a standstill. That currently, no matter what he does, Changkyun remains independent and acting if nothing bothers him and it infuriates him to a point where there’s no justifiable cause to his anger. He just wishes he could go back and fix a few things because the boy is tired and he’ll stubbornly say he’s not with a smile not wanting to disappoint.

It’s hard not to worry about the boy and his expert ability to have his mind wander off. He wonders what he thinks about, and comes up with a list of things he wants instantly removed from his mind. He worries because Changkyun is their maknae and they have no idea how to get past the walls he's seemed to have built up from day one. All they wanted was to chip away his exterior but knew it was better for him to gradually be persuaded to come out like a stray cat in search of shelter. They don't want to make him more uncomfortable than they know he already is. 

But they just can't, for the life of them, figure out exactly what he's thinking. He wears the same expressionless face that sometimes if they're lucky, breaks out into a little smile that showcases two cute dimples. And that, paired with his cute little laugh, is worth everything. Kihyun’s seen it before but he knows that’s only a small fraction of what could be, and if he had the choice he’d never want to ever unsee Changkyun. He’d sear his smile behind his eyelids if he could. That’s how much joy it brings him.

They all knew things were bad for Changkyun, and despite the love from fans, they just hadn’t realised how bad until he had cried into Hoseok that night as he watched on helplessly with a breaking heart. It put a lot of things in perspective, made them see that dark shadow following their youngest around and draining him of any energy. They could only watch on in frustration not knowing what they could do to help. 

Taking one step forward was the equivalent of taking two steps back again. They didn't have to be told changkyun felt uneasy, they could see it on his face. The one emotion he did share with them. Anxiousness. 

And they had all felt it too.

It took a while to not wake up and still feel heavily exhausted. Even once No Mercy ended and their hopes had been lifted a little, they had then to prepare for an album to debut with. Some of it had been fun, creative and expressive, and another had awkward and irritating. But they looked ahead, at all the things they know they might achieve. For once, things seemed brighter than they did before. 

Their problems weren’t just going to fade overnight, that would just be ridiculous, but it was getting easier. They had to develop their teamwork, that they knew. It wasn’t just Changkyun they’d have to familiarise themselves with, but others in the group too. Despite knowing each other for a long time, they still had those awkward moments between themselves because suddenly everything was just so different. 

Changkyun had very little to say, which hadn’t changed much. He still teetered along the edge whenever they found themselves in a room together, much more interested in the songs playing through his earphones than anything else. It was getting tiring to see him look so scared of everything, big beady eyes watching, curious of his hyungs yet worried about getting in someone’s way. 

Things needed to change. 

And Kihyun had to keep reminding himself that they already were - slowly.

-

It wasn’t easy, but Changkyun had eventually opened up more. He doesn’t show how things affected him that easily, but when he struggles and knows it’s something he can’t handle alone, he will ask for help. Watching him grow has led them all to know a few more things about him. He’s assertive, trusts his instincts and very rarely it goes wrong. He’s let them in to strengthen and improve the constructions he’s built with fervour. And, on some days, he is filled with almost too much enthusiasm, but where some people might find it annoying, they all find him adorable in his own ways. 

They still get the feeling their maknae is holding so much back, but they are grateful for what he lets them see when they see it, and when he comes back from the studio hours after everyone else, there’s a split-second moment where his exhaustion allows something else to bleed through onto his expression, something softer and sadder than what he lets on. And those glimpses, well, they hold onto them and cherish them and wait until he feels comfortable enough to do it more often.

And when they thought they had seen all there was to see, Changkyun seemed to have so much more to show them. They had originally thought he wasn’t a skinship type of person. He wasn’t clingy, respected their space so much he would make sure they were a certain distance away and flinched sometimes from the sudden touches. But then he’d be there, nuzzling his head at their arms and curling into their sides, finding a safe space beside them to rest his eyes for a moment when the world became too dizzy. They had never seen him so open and responsive to their affections. A golden heart beats under his tough and austere appearance. Too serious. Too mature. Who’s really the maknae? 

Appearance vs reality played a large part of figuring out Changkyun, and underneath all the confidence and large personality revealed a sensitive and sweet person who had too much love to give he was basically bursting at the seams with it all. There’s something special about having attention from younger members, Hyunwoo feels it all the time, having the attention of six under his command, always eager to listen and help in sorting their responsibilities. Nobody faces anything alone, and where someone may be lacking, another is quick to hop in and show them how to become better.

As the months went on and they found themselves getting closer, they found pride in seeing Changkyun smiling, dimples showing and teeth sparkling. And his giggle, it lit a roaring fire in all of their chests before they knew what was happening to them. It was a sound they wanted to hear over and over again but brushed off the feelings with laughter.

Changkyun held a very special place in all of their hearts, of course. The members know there is something constant about Changkyun. Although he doesn’t say much unless spoken to, he holds his comfort in the heat when he’s close to you. He is just always there by your side where he should be, there to comfort, there to give his advice. He’s the main puzzle piece that holds them all together. Changkyun is the centre of many things.

And they could start to think maybe they are becoming too close, but they don’t dwell much on it. There’s nothing to it. They just really find something warm and special in Changkyun.

The younger had quickly latched onto their hearts, warming them up and giving him their undivided attention. They couldn’t imagine doing anything without him at this point. If they’re not seven, something is missing, unbalanced. Every time Changkyun isn’t with them at night to sit down and chat, they drink and ignore the tug in their heart that the youngest’s laughter could cure. He’d worked himself too hard. Again and again because he still, for some unknown reason, felt like he wasn’t good enough.

It didn’t take long for them to realise just how different their maknae was from what other groups had. Slightly irrational and rebellious but for the most part calm and mature. He’d offer his advice and explore the ends of other people’s mind with this fascinating curiosity that made his eyes sparkle. Someone who works at the studio until the morning and arrives back eventually smiles tiredly, and heads straight to bed to catch up on the sleep he missed before their schedule takes them to new places. 

They all do it when things get too much so they can’t blame him for wanting to perfect something, even if they all know the younger works too hard sometimes and everything he does is already perfect enough. It turns them into hypocrites. They are all the same. Yet again, there’s just something about the vulnerability of Changkyun they see sometimes that leaves them wanting more.

It’s an ache that burrows deep and sadly cannot be ignored by them. Changkyun cannot be ignored. Changkyun causes this weird feeling that stirs inside them. They yearn for the younger boy. His affection, his attention. It’s something that’s crossed the line and becomes something they can’t live without, even if they don’t directly say it. He was much like a hyung as the rest of them, sometimes maybe even more. That didn’t worry them, not really, Changkyun always had an air of maturity around him, was always articulate when spoken to. But despite this, their maknae is soft and kind too often. They’re quick to find there’s simply not a bad bone in his body. Always so forgiving, always so hardworking.

It makes it difficult to be mad at him for coming home later than he was supposed to. All he has to do is showcase his dimples and the hyungs are laughing it off but being cute doesn’t always work. They know the importance of taking care of oneself. It affects the team as a whole, but more importantly the individual too. They see the way Changkyun runs himself ragged trying to fit into the group, to ignore the hate and actually get something done. They see it in the familiarity of the sadness radiating off Jooheon when people criticise his scary raps or how Minhyuk’s bubbly personality is deemed too loud so he turns quiet and distant. 

But Changkyun - he hid things so well, and unfortunately, they just didn’t know him well enough to see the signs of the younger shutting himself off. How could they when they were just starting to get him to come out of the shell that suffocated him so strongly? It’s hard for everyone to open up, but it happens gradually.

Changkyun knows they care, knows they want the best for him and just want him to be safe, happy and healthy. But being an idol, it’s demanding and some things you just forget to do. Even if it’s something as simple as taking vitamins or even eating and sleeping. He doesn’t mean to, it just happens. As it does with everyone else. 

And the love he gets, sometimes, it’s just too overwhelming.

Kihyun does a good job of keeping them all fed. Changkyun spent the time he has off in the evenings back from the studio to help Kihyun, preparing as many things as he can or just sitting and talking for hours. It’s a nice chat but mostly he craves that comforting silence and the warm brush of a shoulder next to his that he craves. Everyone is so sweet and gentle. But this feeling when he’s around them, it’s something that grows slowly until it becomes almost impossible to ignore.

All of them had made his heart flutter, it was hard not to when they had paid him attention, but for some reason, he always felt extra special around them. Maybe it was the way Hoseok was gentle and sensitive with him. His hyung always managed to bring about a smile on his face and it made him extra fond of him. His hugs were always the best, and although his emotions got the better of him sometimes, he was quick to become level-headed ready for a serious talk. 

Changkyun struggles with getting them off his mind sometimes. Because when does affection start to cross the borders into something like love?

What could he possibly even do with these feelings? He’s an idol, It’s dangerous. As sad as it is, it’s something that can end them all in the industry. He has no choice but to act like he doesn’t feel anything at all. It’s stupid, it’s so, so stupid and so ridiculous to even feel sad over something so stupid that Changkyun laughs at himself after everyone had fallen asleep, quiet at first, trying not to make much noise and wake the others before his laughter turns to sobs and he just sobs until the birds start chirping outside and there’s a massive hole in his chest where his heart should be. And he just doesn’t get it but then he does and then he doesn’t again like someone’s constantly messing with a light switch in his head.

He sobs and wishes that one day things will get easier. Countries will be more accepting, and he won’t have to hide behind this appearance he plays. He lies awake wondering if the members can feel whatever he is feeling too, the weight that makes it hard to breathe sometimes, the unpredictable anger that manifests into sadness. 

He hopes that on those rare nights when they hold him close to their chests and run their hands down the spine of his back and hear him sigh happily they too feel the same tight pull in their guts and the strong, heavy ache in their chests. And Changkyun hopes, more than anything else, that they also think about how they wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world than right there with him, thinking about nothing and everything at the same time.

He hopes and hopes and hopes, so at least then he doesn’t feel so bitterly alone. 

-

Sometimes it’s hard to reach out and say when you want comfort. So instead you just mope around and hope someone takes the hint and interlocks their fingers with yours. Jooheon wants exactly that when he wakes up tired, hungry and worst of all -  _ cold.  _ The morning air is unbearably chilly as it nips against his skin and he’d much rather go back to bed and sleep but he isn’t allowed to. 

His eyes flutter open and he finds himself staring up at the slats of the bunk bed above him, a usual sight. He then looks nex to him to see Minhyuk’s bunk empty and squints a little. What time was it? He’s sure he heard someone’s voice similar to Kihyun’s a minute ago, so where had everyone gone in such a short time? He flops over, running a hand through his hair and down his face before he stares up at Changkyun’s bunk and sees a bundle of duvet thrown at the edge. He wasn’t there either.

As soon as he looks over at the clock he hears the door opening slowly and fear fills him at the thought of Kihyun entering so he expertly hides under his duvet. He imagines Kihyun sneaking in to come and kill him, maybe even getting the help from Hyunwoo to lure him into a false sense of security first. But then he hears soft taps of feet on the floorboards and he _knows_ that isn't one of the hyungs. Then he feels three incessant pokes on his shoulder and he’s looking around in the darkened room, confused. If he was to be ripped from his bed, it wouldn’t be like this, soft and gentle as if he was about to break.

But of course, it all made sense. Kihyun would obviously get the one person he couldn’t get mad at often and found too adorable to lead him to his inevitable demise. He seemed to just accept it then, turning and opening his eyes to Changkyun, wrapped in a sweater far too big, swallowing his hands staring down at him wide-eyed. 

“Kihyunie-Hyung says you have to get up but you looked really tired and I didn’t wanna wake you so….” 

Jooheon lets his deep, rich voice wash over him. _Wait, what was he even saying?_ “Ahhh, It’s okay Kyunnie, you can always join hyung in here if you want to,” Jooheon jokes, flashing him a tired smile and Changkyun tilts his head to the side. Jooheon realises the maknae must think he isn’t joking, but then he thinks about how he wouldn’t mind having him to cuddle, even if it is for a few minutes longer.

“Well, it is...s-so  _ c-cold _ out here hyung!” Changkyun fakes a shiver and chatters his teeth, pouting excessively for extra effect, “And I don’t think I can take it any longer  _ so  _ I guess I’m gonna have to join you.”

Jooheon laughs a little, wondering when Changkyun got so playful as Changkyun smiles widely with glee. Jooheon tries to act annoyed but he’s glad he gets to see Changkyun like this, in a way he hasn’t seen him for a while, energized and ready to play - as Jooheon missed doing greatly. Everyone just seemed to be far too busy these days. “Ah wait!” Jooheon shrieks as Changkyun pulls back the covers and joins him, “Your feet are freezing what the  _ fu- _ ! Get off me you idiot!” 

“Oops,” Changkyun says unapologetically as Jooheon laughs and allows the younger to wrap his arms around him and throw a leg over him, sighing out a pleased,  _ “Much better." _

Jooheon soon relaxes and relaxes into the warmth, heart doubling in size seeing the younger smiling like this after the constant exhaustion they’ve been through lately, realising that - without saying anything, Changkyun had always there to comfort him instantly. He holds on tighter because this is one of the many things he loved about their maknae, he’s so observant and instantly curious that he’s learnt just how to take care of them individually to the best of his ability. He has them so tightly wrapped around his finger that soon Jooheon is undoubtedly sure that he’s going to wake up one morning and trip over all the red strings tied between them.

Amongst their laughter, they fail to hear the half-closed door opening wider and revealing an unimpressed Kihyun crossing his arms. “Im Changkyun!” They both suddenly freeze under the duvet and grow quiet as they hear his name being called. “I don’t know  _ what  _ you’re doing under there but I thought I could trust you to get Jooheon up yourself,” He sighs halfheartedly, “I guess I was wrong. So both of you…” He steps closer, yanking the cover off them as they grip each other, screaming and cowering back in terror. “ _ Get. Up. Now _ .”

“B-but Hyung!” They protest in unison and Jooheon tries to think of something quickly, “It’s cold, right? You could come and join us?” Jooheon smiles innocently, knowing he was testing his luck by patting the space on the bed in front of them. Kihyun hesitates and thinks about it for a moment before Hyunwoo pokes his head around the door and appears behind Kihyun, scoffing as he comes forward to pinch the tips of their ears. 

“As tempting as that offer sounds for all of us, you both  _ really _ need to get up, we have a schedule to go to, you know this.”

Changkyun pouts and Jooheon groans. “No fun hyungs,” Changkyun grumbles, climbing across Jooheon and out of bed, yawning and stretching his arms up, feeling just how sharp the cold was when his sweater rides up a little and exposes his stomach. He fails to see the eyes that watch him with an unnamed intenseness.

“When did you become such a little trouble-maker,” Hyunwoo says as he becomes the first to break the weird atmosphere and tug Changkyun’s sweater down and click his tongue, unsure of what just happened. Changkyun knows he’s not mad though, not in the slightest, because after Kihyun’s left Hyunwoo is bursting out in giggles with them, raising an unsteady finger to his lips to silence them, just before they set each other off laughing again. Changkyun notices that glimmer in his hyung’s eyes again, just like from a couple of days ago. It makes him feel small.

“He’s been hanging out with Minhyuk too much I think,” Jooheon adds, continuing his innocent act as he avoids Hyunwoo’s eyes and wraps his arms around Changkyun’s middle. He then tries his best to act nonchalant by deciding to tickle Changkyun, shocked when he squirms against him and lets out a loud squeal, leaning his head back on Jooheon’s shoulder and laughs cutely. It might be one of the first times they’ve seen their younger act so freely recently. He feels proud. 

“You’re really not one to talk Jooheon-ah,” Hyunwoo finally speaks, clearing his throat and pinches his cheeks, face softening with a smile as he watches them both, eventually shooing them off to get ready, leaving the room first to go find his jacket. Changkyun follows soon after, winking at Jooheon who just remains standing there, blinking slowly.

Jooheon finds himself standing still for a little while before he shakes his head, unable to wipe the smile off his face for the rest of the morning. He focuses on how much happier he feels knowing their youngest sticks close by his side, offering jokes and random trivia throughout the day to try and helpfully distance him from his burdens. Changkyun brings him much more cheerfulness than he expected. One thing he definitely knows more than anything is that he’s very,  _ very  _ glad he got to debut with such a unique, caring person. Especially someone who gives back as much as he receives.

He wouldn’t have Changkyun any other way, even if thinking about him causes him to lay awake late that night tracing his pinky with a frown. He imagines what a bright red string wrapped tightly around it that connects to him would feel like and why it causes a strong ache in his heart at the thought.

_ Strange.  _ He thinks,  _ very strange. _


End file.
